Life is so sad. Yknw I've been struggling to live everyday, struggling to face the world and struggling to handle myself. But everytime i thought i did well, people just slapped my self -esteem so flat like i've been stabbed in the heart continuously, and deeper each time. No matter how hard i tried to hide my face from people, i just cant do it perfectly. Traveling in trains/ buses is what i hated most. I get exposed to all sorts of strangers and each time they laugh/ stare a second time, i feel downright insecure as if i'm truly the ugliest person who shouldnt have existed on earth. I tried to live with a better alternative traveling with buses since i can hide myself in a corner and get less exposed to people, yet i'm just so tired and busy with things everyday. As much as i want to believe some people dont judge, i cant. It's impossible. They inevitably have that opinions in their mind. Some people are nice, they think that way but didnt say it. This still cant escape the fact that they have the SAME opinion as the others who say it out. I dont blame them for that because i hate myself this way too - how ugly i look. I want to believe the world is kind, the world is not full of superficial people, but this is too hard.

So so so so so so so afraid of being judged, again.

I'm.so.tired.of.living.

Why am i so ugly, really whyyyy arh? Why ah why? my brother so goodlooking then i look so terrible, like some trash. I must have been picked up from the garbage bin!!! I really hate my life, sucks to be me. Tired of living already.... why are ppl constantly telling me i have long face, sigh i have no control over that....srsly. i can only go for plastic surgery to change it! But i have no financial ability to go for that.. Ugh everytime when ppl pass casual remark like this, i hope that i can teleport away from the situation.. Really dk how to react... Or maybe i should wear a mask out everyday. Sometimes i thought to myself "i shld've been immune to these remarks by now.." All my friends shld be sick of my nonsense already, like aft they comfort me for a certain moment another person start talking abt it agn and i go all depressed over again.. Sigh i dont know what to do too. Maybe i should hide my face from the world, noo, universe and live my life alone. i dont want to meet any ppl, i dont wna go out of the house and let the world see me, i jus wna rot at home and die. Let me die faster pls.. take my number of years away and give it to ppl who can cherish it more.

Today is the first day i started using the table i used to use it when i was studying for my Os. Those were the times my grandpa will help me with the table and chairs set-up. Sometimes i wish he wont be on my mind all the times when i do small little. Thinking of him doesn't hurts, but knowing that he is no longer here, that feeling is painful.

sighhh
why ppl like that one?
out of nowhere, out of nothing they will criticise /mock / tease about my appearance. Not like i dont have a mirror at home right. Why must they rub it in? Sometimes i tried so hard not to be affected by it already yknw, i watch motivational videos all the times, videos about how I'm so much more fortunate than people and all and all. But why, WHY must ppl do that to me? Srsly, out of nothing leh, i did nth, haven even say anything, they started criticising me about my jaw already.. I really really know how bad i look yknw. Seeing myself everyday in the mirror can also makes me feel sick of it. I really CANT do anything about it.... So cut me some slack. Im so tired of reflecting why are people doing this to me. Ugh another thing, yeah la i cant get a bf and will probably never get a bf. thats a good thing what, one children to suffer from my ugly features. So that's that, bye.

I'm missing my gp again. When can i ever ever ever ever ever ever ever ever see him again. I'm still waiting for this day, i believe it would eventually come.

Truth is, im afraid to face reunion dinner as the years come along.

Realized im changing bit by bit as im in poly. Okay, now there's this bad thing about me that im noticing guys(good-looking ones) and overly doing it. These days i kept telling myself that looks aint important, its the heart, its the heart. So frustrated with myself cos I shldnt feel attracted just because of one's appearance. What matters most is the HEART, character! He MUST be someone kind and helpful. Im not saying that i no longer feel attracted to kind/helpful person, i still am! But well, you just cant tell a person's character with first impression.
Arghhhhhh i just need to get through this thing and liveeeeee my life like the past.
Hehehehe my mop! He's attractive tooooo! I mean, i found all the ppl i like/used to like, are goood looking! True what! Beauty is in the eyes of the beholder :) Hahaa but i know im always saying how pajiao a person i am to fall for mop/frog/kitty(-.-) but i was completing kidding, they are goooood!

HAHAHAAH OKAY MY CHARMING MOPPPPPP ;)

http://www.facebook.com/video/video.php?v=177667048917162&oid=115603198474325&comments

It made me thought of my grandpa. I didnt realise i actually had such fond memories of him. Every sentence played, it will just create something in the past b/w he and i.

I still wish he will still be here with me. Grandpa, yknw you shldnt have left me hanging this way, i just miss you so terribly much i wished i can be with you wherever you are.

Sometimes i really hope that i can always share this with my friends, how much i miss my grandpa but i jus couldnt imagine them seeing me getting all emotional.. It's hard/ awkward for them to comfort me too..
I know i need to get through this period myself. I WILL